Learning and Reflecting From My Past and the Past that I Never Knew

First and foremost, I want to reiterate that I apologize for the ways that I’ve rubbed people the wrong way in the last couple years (3.5 years). It took me a long time to realize and to reconcile the experiences that I have had against the expectations that I thought others would see the world the same way. Going forward, I think I know what exactly it is that I need to focus on in a professional setting, and this journey will always be challenging. I am using this post as a way to convey my own thoughts and feelings into the void. I’ve been on and off going through various channels of professional help (and there are quite a few resources), but progress has often stagnated and often I simply relapse into a routine of overworking and straining myself to death, which, in turn, did not positively impact the relationships around me. I have known these aspects of myself for a long time, but I think I truly feared confronting them and did not understand how to proceed in a meaningful way.

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Complicated and Personal Jumbled Thoughts Ahead (TW: Especially Those Related to Intergenerational Trauma *Not including last paragraph*)

It’s no secret that my perspective has been shaped by experiences and lessons that I had when I was younger. Well, it hasn’t been a secret since the start of my years at MIT. Obviously, I do not cast blame on anything or anyone except for the unfortunate circumstances that impacted a family like mine. And I recognize that, for a long time, I did not not find appropriate mechanisms for dealing with these issues.

Being of a Cambo-Chinese origin, I found great difficulty in both home life and out-of-home social life. I think one of the fundamental problems with this heritage is that there is almost no choice in the development of a double life. One part of your character is driven by these Confucian and Eastern ideals, and the other character is driven by the experiences outside of this mold, which was life in a mostly White suburban Pennsylvanian town in my case. I do not believe that these things need to conflict with one another, but without the appropriate guidance or resources, navigating these issues in a productive way becomes a challenge.

I’d rather not go through what it means to have Cambodian (or any Southeast Asian) heritage. There was so much stupid shit that occurred due to those in power (both Eastern and Western powers). I do also acknowledge that this occurred in so many other places throughout the world, but I can only speak for how this has affected my own life, which is that of a Cambo refugee family. Generations of people are impacted and ruined due to the folly of warmongers and those who felt the desire to etch their names into history for all the wrong reasons (like Pol Pot). 

It is an unfortunate inevitability of these circumstances that personal relationships are also at stake. The people that lived through these experiences are forever devastated by what they have seen, and these horrors live on through the children and descendants. Sometimes they are indirect and, at times, they are more direct.

This has shaped a lot of my own issues with friendships and human connections because these experiences are at odds with the cultural and lived experience of a rather comfortable life in suburban Pennsylvania. It’s also hard for damn near anyone in the world, including professionals, to comprehend what the extent of mental torment it can fester into. 

It's complicated because it can develop into a confused sense of justice and desire to attempt to help all people, which I know for a fact has bled into personal relationships. I know that my explanation of this thought process may be unclear. I think an important issue is that I wanted people to help me, but I could never find the best way to communicate this deep conflict. And of course, the answer has to come from myself in some way. Combined with my personal tendency to overthink and question my own judgments, I lost my sense of identity in the process, though I still maintained the hope and will to push through. I think I also grew ashamed of both my own past and the past that was not my own.

It has always been unfair to the people around me because I failed everyone in effectively communicating myself within many interpersonal contexts. Ranging from friendships to even interpersonal connections in academic contexts, I have had tremendous difficulty in this way. I wish I could simply turn back the clock on this, but the damage that I have done cannot be undone.

On the topic of my mannerisms, I think it’s also worth talking through my inability to effectively moderate my emotional state. Often, the little things in life become amplified. This births both the seed for appreciating the gift of life and the dark storm clouds from the tiniest of doubts. Unfortunately, the modulation and regulation aspect became difficult for me as I have been ruled by my own troublesome emotions for so long. I felt resigned to experiencing things because that was the only way I knew how, and I was unable to make effective change.

In many ways, it feels like a curse, and I certainly have viewed it in that sense. For the existence of my desire for hope coincided with a deep pessimism and fear, often forbidding me from accepting and enjoying the positive aspects of life. I developed a huge sense of hyper independence, yet human connection is something that I desire. I turned myself into the “beast in the cage.” I built these towering walls around me and didn’t know why.

It’s confusing. I have let these huge, complicated questions poison my head, and I do not anticipate that I can ever turn these off, unfortunately. I will try to find ways of regulating this part of my head. The big questions of “how” and “why” do not always need to poison my head. And the pressures that I placed on myself will hopefully become a bit more reasonable.

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In the future, I want to find some way to help families like mine that have experienced similar suffering. I know I will never be able to turn off my care for the world because that will always be who I am. Through all the pessimism and awful shit that occurs, I cannot bring myself to turn a blind eye to these things. I think that the bonds of human connection are what drive the world forward, and though my own journey has been difficult and perhaps more complicated than most, I think there’s no possible way that I can express gratitude for the people who have supported and tried to support me through the last few years. If you have, for some reason, read all of this, I want to say that life is challenging and there’s never two identical stories, but there is a beauty in these differences. We, as people, need to care for each other even despite these differences, and I think, in some way, this may be part of the meaning in our lives.